August 23, 2004

Top Ten Types of Fans Everyone Hates




10) The fan who unintentionally helps the other team
The people we hate most are traitors, and it is true for sports too. Steve Bartman, the first name that comes to mind when you think of fans whose idiocy cost his team dearly. These fans exist in football too. They are the home team fans who won’t shut up when their team is driving for a come-back win with 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter. When you see a home team quarterback trying desperately to lower the crowd noise by flapping his arms in that situation, that tells you what an ignorant bunch of fans that team has.

9) The guy who gives standing ovations to every little feat, who happens to have the seat in front of you
We love enthusiasm at a game, but not from the 6’ 10” dude with a 7” foot wing span and a Ben Wallace fro sitting right in front of you. Everyone’s been to a game where the bastard in front of you won’t sit down for a majority of the game. Sometime it’s a solo act, and sometimes it’s a human wall of people who are scared of chairs and bleachers. Don’t get me wrong, there are times to jump and cheer, just not when a free throw is made in the first quarter. One exception is when you are at a college football game and you sit in the student section, which brings us to #8.

8) The fan who saves seats in the students section
There’s nothing wrong with saving seats for friends at a college sporting event, but it’s another story when you’re doing it for the whole sorority.

7) The fan who doesn’t throw back the visiting team’s homerun ball
I hate fans who sell out for a cheap $5 souvenir. By throwing back the ball, you prove to all those people what a true fan you are, and you get to show off your cannon of an arm.

6) The fan who leaves early to avoid traffic
I don’t care how big a blow out your team is enduring, you stay till the fat lady sings. Those fans that leave early do not deserve to be at the game in the first place. I was disappointed to say that was the case for Texas fans at the 2000 Red River Shootout. I’m proud to say on that day, even though our team was enduring a 63-14 route in sub freezing temperature, my friends and I stayed until the clock said triple zero. Despite our efforts, about 90% of the Texas fans already left while all the OU people were there taunting us in our diminishing numbers. What those 30,000 Longhorn fans did that day not only induces scorn from OU fans, but they gave a bad name for all Longhorn fans.

5) The fan who doesn’t remove his/her cap when the national anthem is being played
I can understand foreigners who don’t speak our language keeping their hat on while the anthem is being played, but any English speaking person has no excuse. Right before they play the national anthem, the broadcaster says “Please remove your caps during the national anthem.” If that is not a hint, I don’t know what is.

4) The fan who turns in the beach ball to authority figures
This doesn’t occur at every game, but at Dodgers games, there is always beach balls being batted around while the game is being played. The kids go crazy over it. I don’t know why the ushers would want to put an end to this activity, but I understand they are just doing their jobs. However, I can’t stand the people who actually grabs the balls and hand them over to the ushers! What kind of a non-rebel would do that? How can they live with themselves after seeing the smiling faces of little kids turn into scenes of devastation as the usher jacks the beach ball airless with his ball point pen?

3) The Chick who doesn’t put out when the Kiss Cam is on her and her man
If you have been to a baseball park with a jumbotron, chances are you know what I’m talking about when I say the Kiss Cam. Basically, in between innings, the DJ would play Faith Hill’s “This Kiss” while live images of couples would be posted on the jumbotron with a heart picture frame. It is then the obligation of those two people to make out in front of everyone. Usually, about 90% of the people, no matter how old, would participate and give the crowd arousal, but once in a while some stuck-up bitch would totally reject the man in front of everyone. If you are that man, I suggest you leave her behind and move on with your life.

Just out of curiosity, I wonder if the San Francisco Giants has the Kiss Cam. It could be quite difficult in identifying the couples there.

2) The fan who robs the baseball from a kid/The fan who takes the bat away from the lady who got hit in the face with it
It’s a classic image seeing some kid getting a ball at a baseball game. You can see the joy on their faces. That’s why we hate the fan who robs those kids. What’s sad is that often there’s a middle aged man who could be categorized as a sports-nerd upon first seeing the guy, running amongst a group of kids for lose balls to be sold on EBay. Using his height and weight to his advantage, our villain would shove eight-year-olds down two rows of bleachers, trip infants, and dive for the ball, crushing three to four grammar-school babies in the process.

On an equally low scale is the fan who takes away a souvenir from the guy who just got plunked. We often see guys making spectacular catches in the stands, but we also see a lot of guys going for the glory only to be met by embarrassment. I think as a reward for having a ball go off of your face or a bat cracking your cranium, at least you can keep the ball or bat as a souvenir, but no, while you were dazed by the impact, some jackass sneaks in there and robs you of your loot. Ok, maybe you do deserve it for trying to one-hand a baseball traveling at 90 mph with a beer in the other hand or trying to catch a baseball bat twirling at 200 rpm.


1) The fan who can’t hold his liquor…in public
There are plenty of drunk guys at a game, the quietly-drinking-himself-to-a-puddle-of-stoop, the loud-mouthed-die-hard-who-shouts-out-a-river-of-saliva-by-the-end-of-the-game, the pansy-who-buys-one-beer-for-the-souvenir-cup, the chest-bumping-while-holding-a-beer-moron… But the worst kind of fan you hate is the flask-sipping-public-vomiting-on-feet-of-stranger-asshole. God I hate myself…

August 13, 2004

Top Ten Misnomers in Sports




10) Pool

Ok, most experts of the sport calls it billiards or snookers or 8-ball… Despite that, the word “pool” is one of the dumbest misnomers in sports.

What it should be called: Cueball or Stickball. I admit it is not the most sophisticated-sounding name, but give it a few decades and it’ll sound alright.

9) Free Throw (Basketball)

It is becoming more and more clear that a free throw in basketball is anything but free. Attempting a free throw is like playing an I-AA team in college football, nothing to gain and everything to lose. Everyone can recall the worst free throw shooters like Shaq and Wilt, but who remembers the greatest free throw shooter of all time Calvin Murphy?

What it should be called:Touchdown Dance of the NBA. Let’s face it, not everyone do it, but you know the ones who do; Karl Malone with his mumbling, Jason Kidd with his gay kiss, Rip Hamilton with the side-dribble. It’s turning into a celebration much like in the NFL except they do it before they score!

8) Football (American)

This has to be the most confusing misnomer for foreigners other than Canadians. I mean, most players don’t even use their feet! And the ones who do (kickers and punters), aren’t gellin’ like the rest of the team.

What it should be called: Yardball. This name would be perfect due to the yard markings on the field. Or how about Bowlball? Essentially, they’re playing for the bowl, which is a misnomer in it self because the only thing I think of when it comes to bowls is one with rice in it.

7) Love (Tennis)

Only the French could make something so bad sound so appeasing to the ear. Probably some French dude got beaten so bad that he got tired of hearing nip, nill, nothing, zero, goose egg, nada, that he decides he’s playing for the “love” of the game.

What it should be called: Sorry for the lack of imagination, but how about calling it “Nothing” instead.

6) Albatross (Golf)

The origin of the word “birdie” dates back to the 1800s when it means “cool”. Sticking to the bird-related scoring theme, a two under par is called “eagle”. Ok, makes sense there since an eagle can kick a birdie’s ass any day. But then cames albatross. What the hell is an albatross anyways? All I know is it’s got some feathers and a beak. Looking at the picture below, don’t tell me that thing would destroy an eagle.

What it should be called: Falwk. The feat of shooting two strokes under par should be something bigger, faster, more ferocious than an eagle. There aren’t many birds that fit the bill, so I think the perfect name should be….falwk, the mix between a falcon and a hawk!!! Yeah, just use your imagination. A falwk, with a ten-foot wing span, six-inch beak, and razor sharp talons, just tearing the eagle into shreds!!! I can picture it right now from the announcers, “…and the play of the day belongs to Ernie Els with a falwk on eight…”

http://www.taieri.co.nz/photos/albatross.jpg

5) World Series (Baseball)

The World Cup is an even featuring 32 teams from six continents. The World Series of Poker features the best poker players representing different countries. Basically, any sporting event with a “world” in it is exactly that, an international event except for Major League Baseball. Which ever bombastic bastard decided to label the championship series of baseball in America “The World Series”. No wonder why foreigners hate Americans so much.

What it should be called: World Flavored Series, or simply WFS. Although the MLB finals don’t represent other countries, you can bet there are players from Japan, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Cuba, Korea, Mexico and other countries. So this would be the most fitting name.

4) Shortstop (Baseball)

This name does not fit into the rest of the baseball position names at all. Furthermore, it doesn’t make any sense from either the fielder’s point of view or the batter’s point of view. First if you are a fielder, the second baseman has the shortest throw to the first baseman. From a batter’s point of view, the corners are at the shortest distances from you.

So I heard the origin of the word shortstop came from when the game was first played in the mid-1800s. The shortstop would be the only infielder on the infield grass, fielding balls that die in the un-cured infield lawn. Since then, the third baseman has taken up that responsibility while the shortstop moved back into the hole as the infield got faster and balls hit harder. Today, the shortstop is usually the farthest infielder from the batter (for right handed batters). How ironic.

What it should be called: Left Second Base One should not tinker with tradition, but with the Rose Bowl no longer Pac10-Big10, inter-league baseball, the forward pass, the three point shot, the designated hitter, the bullpen, and so many other things, changing a name isn’t that big of a deal. Every other position in baseball makes sense and so should the shortstop. Let’s change the shortstop and second base to left second and right second respectively. It’s a technical name, but it’ll mix right in with positions such as catcher, left field, right field, etc…

3) Water Polo

Where are the sea horses? If polo is a sport played by striking a ball with a club into a net while on horseback, then water polo should be a sport of the same nature, but there are no clubs and definitely no dolphin-riding action.

What it should be called: Fockerball. Remember the scene in Meet the Parents when Gaylord Focker slams the volleyball into the face of his girlfriend’s sister? That is my worst phobia about playing water polo, having someone nail me in the face with the ball. So in honor of the movie, that’s the name it should get, fockerball.

2) Iron Man

A man of iron would sink and rust right off the bat in the Iron Man Competition. Iron is used to describe the toughness of the athletes, but you don’t hear people called Bronze Man 4000 years ago, or Titanium Man today. When I hear Iron Man, I think of the watch, or some ridiculous, non-human looking zombie figure gasping for air while overheating like my 1991 Celica.

What it should be called: Human-Machino Contest. Basically that’s what those athletes are, human machines. They are machines in that they seem not to feel pain and stress, going hours and hours of physical torture. I’m still wondering why Lance Armstrong is considered the greatest athlete today when this should be the ultimate test for an athlete.

1) Great Outdoors Games

At last, we come to my last and favorite misnomer, the Great Outdoors Games. When ESPN first aired the Outdoors Games, I thought it was the basic archery, shooting, fishing, and Frisbees. I was partially correct; however, I didn’t expect some 200-pound dyke maneuvering a 10-feet single buck saw right after chopping the hell out of a piece of wood with an axe, or some dude climbing a poll with spiked shoes, or dogs doing the Superman off of piers, or hot chicks running on logs floating on water (my favorite event). Is this what normal people do in the great outdoors?

What it should be called: The Redneck Games. This is like the Olympics for rednecks. All the contestants are from Texas, New Zealand, or one of the Appalachian states. That should be a sign in itself. Who else other than rednecks would consider shooting stuff and chopping stuff as fun? I can see drunk farmers trying to emulate this in their backyard only to sever fingers and toes in the process.

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